Your Haunting Memory
by Shuboni
Summary: Light has haunting dreams about Ryuzaki, even though he is dead. He puts his dreams and day to day experiences into a journal, trying to decode the meaning.


**Your Haunting Memory**

Story Written by: pseudonym Cody Walters

Story Title Credit goes to: My wonderful friend named Chu.

Disclaimer: I am not writing according to the timeline at all, I just know what date Ryuzaki dies. And, yes I do know that his real name is Lawliet Lawsford, but Light doesn't know that, so I'm keeping it as Ryuzaki. I'm really proud that I got to use this title that my friend gave me, yes gave me, and I'm very proud of this story. Please enjoy~

_ It was dark, very dark. I was standing alone in my room. Such a lonely night, nothing on television. Not even my usual companion was there. Suddenly, he came in. The black haired boy, with dark eyes. He was hunched over as always, but he always looked beautiful to me anyways. He came up to me and sat next to me. I looked over at him, he looked back and smiled. He leaned over and kissed me. I kissed back. He put his arms around my neck and I did the same to him, kissing again. He kept going, removing his clothes and me removing mine._

_ We were both naked, he was lying on top of me. We were kissing each other with more passion than ever, though we never had kissed before anyways. He pulled my legs up and kissed me again. I kissed back, putting my legs around his waist. I wanted him to keep going, I made him keep going. So he did, he pushed inside of me. I moaned in pleasure, and asked him to keep going. He was thrusting in and out of me, hard and fast. I loved the feeling, and showed him how much I did._

_ We were both at our climax, both about to let everything out when-_

When I woke up. My name is Light Yagami. You should know about me from certain books or historical documents, but I'm going to be writing in a small journal. This is a journal that will be documenting my strange dreams that have been occurring after I killed Ryuzaki, my mortal enemy. I am a recently graduated boy, having blonde hair and brown eyes. If you find this, I would like you to know that I am Kira. I highly doubt anyone is going to find this. I will be recording my dreams here, as well as daily events that my dreams have been affecting. That last paragraph was of my most recent dream about Ryuzaki, the dark haired boy. Why am I having such strange dreams about my enemy, I do not know. I don't have feelings for him and I never have. This strange dream happened on November 15th, 2004. I shall be dating my entries from now on.

November 16th, 2004

I woke up in a daze, very confused. I rushed to the bathroom and gagged. I felt very sick to my stomach and I couldn't eat for the rest of the day. My sister tried to help me feel better, but it never worked. I just didn't feel good. I stayed in bed for most of the day, lying awake. Ryuku, my faithful companion in this messed up game, kept me up the entire time. He told me stories about the Shinigami world, and I was very interested. No, that was a lie, I wasn't interested but I really felt interested because I just wanted to sleep but I couldn't.

November 17th, 2004

I didn't have any strange dreams last night, so I thought I would be able to get up and walk around a little, maybe get something to eat. I called my girlfriend, Misa Amane, and went to get something to eat. It was a small date, just a trip to the local coffee shop for a muffin. I don't really like them, but I thought I could keep one down. And they were fairly cheap at this particular shop, so I bought two and a cup of coffee for Misa. All day though, I couldn't concentrate on Misa, just the dreams that I have been having. Did I have feelings for Ryuzaki? No, I didn't. I surely didn't.

_I was walking through the streets, nobody was around. Such a quiet evening, it felt nice and warm. I turned down an alleyway because I spied something of interest. It was just a cat, I think, so I turned back around after reaching the dead end. There he was, Ryuzaki. He was smiling at me, standing in that hunched position. He took my hand and rubbed his thumb along my knuckles. It was reassuring, it made me feel happy inside. I felt as if everything was going to be okay because he was there._

_ It was enough, I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him close, my head resting on his shoulder. He held me tight, petting my hair softly. It felt so nice, I just wanted to be with him forever. I kissed him on the cheek, he just pulled me closer. We both leaned on the alleyway wall, holding each other and kissing more. We were happy with each other, because the other was there._

_ Our kissing got more passionate, we were at each other's neck, kissing and licking. Both of us were feeling very passionate, so we kept moving on. He had my shirt off when-_

I woke up, sweaty and breathing hard.

November 20th, 2004

I woke up again after the same kind of dream, making me feel sicker than before. Though, this one didn't seem to go as far as the last. I still ran to the bathroom and threw up. In my dream I wanted him to keep going, yet when I was conscious, I wanted him to die again. I went out again today, spending more time with Misa again. It wasn't very good, she couldn't help me feel better. I was very sick, and I wanted it all to stop. The dreams were still coming, and it made me want to never sleep again.

November 21st, 2004

I stopped sleeping. I won't sleep again until I can get it out of my head that I don't want these dreams. If I can't make them go away through pure will, I just won't deal with them any longer. Ryuku said he would help me with staying up, so I'm going to help feed him more apples. We stay up, playing video games and talking about different things. It's easy when I don't have to get a job yet and there is no more school for me to go to.

November 22nd, 2004

I'm doing very well without sleep, I thought I would be worse off. I haven't slept since the 20th, and I'm still feeling quite lively. I just eat an extra meal instead of sleeping. As long as I stay active, I won't gain weight and I'll stay up.

November 26th, 2004

I'm starting to hallucinate. I see him every other time I look around a corner, smiling at me. My body is slowly declining into a horrible state of insanity. All this because I haven't slept in a little while? Why isn't my body stronger? I've been through much worse than this, and it still does this to me. I see that dark haired boy every other corner, and I just want to throw something at him and tell him to go away!

November 28th, 2004

The hallucinations are worse, and I ended up doing what I said I was going to do in my previous journal entry. I threw a knife right into my sister's door and shouted. I collapsed to the floor and kept shouting, "Go away, go away, go away!" Over and over. He's infecting my brain with his ilk, and I plan on purging it. I'll try sleeping tonight, hopefully I won't have one of those horrid dreams.

November 29th, 2004

I didn't have one of those dreams. Good, progress is being made. I haven't hallucinated at all, and I can actually eat. My body is on the right track. Maybe I can get some of my own work done now, and write some more criminal names down. The world will be purged finally.

_He was in my room, waiting for me. As soon as I walked in, he looked up at me and smiled. I had to have him, I didn't have him for so long I just tackled him to the bed and kissed him deeply. He returned my affection, petting my hair and holding me close. We were wrapped around each other, inseparable. Nothing was going to get us away from each other. His lips tasted so good, I kept kissing him. More and more, we were going at it more and more when-_

December 15th, 2004

I had one of those dreams again. I thought they were done with, and I could be free of them. That is it, I'm going to do a little experiment to make them go away forever. I will let my dream Ryuzaki know who I really am, in my next dream. Maybe he will let me go after that, and stop doing those horrible things to me.

_In my bedroom again, he was there. As soon as I walked in, he pulled me close to him and pet me, telling me that everything was going to be alright. He kissed me on the top of my head but I pulled away. He looked appalled at my actions and asked me what was wrong. I told him my true identity, I was Kira. He just stood there, looking at me with those hollow eyes. His expression darkened, and he told me that he had already known._

_ He walked out of my door and slammed it shut behind him. I didn't want him to leave! What was I thinking? I chased after him, I opened the door and it was a black chasm. There was nothing at the bottom, but it was trying to suck me in. I was pulling myself back in when he appeared behind me and pushed me in. I was falling, falling into the darkness when-_

December 16th, 2004

I woke up screaming this morning. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to mess with my sub conscience like that. Maybe I should have just let the dreams go as they normally had and accepted that I kind of liked Ryuzaki, even if my dreams wanted to portray it some other way. Besides, those other dreams were better than this one. Did I really write that?

_I saw him at the office and I ran up to him, hugging him from behind. I missed him so much, and I wanted to go back to the way things were. He pushed me to the ground and turned to face me, that hollow stare, those socketed eyes. He just stared at me, and told me how much I disgusted him. He had a knife in his hand, why? He dove on top of me and-_

December 17th, 2004

Again, I woke up screaming. What was happening? Should I really be driven to this kind of madness? In my dreams, Ryuzaki loved me more than anything in the entire world. Now, in my dreams, he tries to kill me when I get near him. I came down to breakfast, and I couldn't eat. I just stared at the food, my family happily eating. My sister looked up at me and asked me what was wrong. I just told her that I was having some nightmare problems. She told me to sort my problems out with whoever it was that was giving me the nightmares. I laughed, and told her that it wouldn't be possible, because he was dead.

_He was at my house, standing at my patio and ringing my doorbell. He had a gun in his hand. In fact, his whole body was covered in blood. He had splotches of it all over his face, and his shirt was practically stained red. It covered most of his pants, and all of his feet. But when it came to his hands, __they were only on the fingertips. He rang the doorbell again before I ran downstairs to open the door._

_ He looked up at me and told me that he had been following my example, though his was more extreme. He was going around and shooting all the wrongdoers, going to cleanse the world the old fashioned way. I told him that he was crazy! He laughed, then held the gun up to my head._

December 18th, 2004

My sanity is rapidly declining. I can't take this anymore. How am I supposed to deal with him when he's already dead. I talked to Ryuku about it, and he said that there wasn't anything I could do. It was just my dreams, spirits can't haunt the living. The only people that can haunt the living are other living people or the living people themselves.

_ I woke up to find him in my bed, his eyes fully opened. I jumped out and screamed, he was missing an arm and there was blood all over both of us. He looked up at me and asked me what was wrong, wasn't this what I always wanted from him? To die in such a horrible manner like losing blood? I shook my head and shouted no, I didn't want him to die, I wanted to love him. I shouted at him that I loved him, more than anything in this world._

_ He laughed at me, then showed me what he had chopped his arm off with, a rusty butcher knife. I asked him what he was going to do, and he said he was going to kill me then himself. I was going to say something in protest when the knife was hurled at me._

December 19th, 2004

I didn't scream this time when I woke up, it was just cold sweats and me vomiting all over the floor. It didn't feel or taste good, so I washed my mouth out with some water before getting dressed and cleaning the floor. I wasn't going to eat for a while, because it just all came back up after I slept. I couldn't eat anyways, nothing gave me the appetite. What was wrong with me? Was I starting to miss my last dreams with Ryuzaki? Did I have feelings for him? No.

_I woke up to the sound of water, and a strange tingling sensation on my forehead. My eyes were open, but all I saw was a cave roof and water dripping onto my forehead. I sat up and looked over to see him again. Though, he was being torn from limb to limb by horrible horrible creatures. They were like wolves, but with human faces. I was going to save him, but when I ran to him I was on all fours. I turned and looked into a puddle of water and saw that I was one of the creatures as well._

_ I went and pushed all of the other creatures away from him, then I saw what was horribly wrong with the creatures. They all had my face, and they all looked exactly like me. They were growling because they all wanted a piece of the man I was guarding. Instead of backing down, like I had wanted to, they attacked me and knocked me down, continuing to devour him._

_ I got up and shouted at them, but all that came out was a loud growl mixed with some kind of yelp. They looked back up at me, and attacked me again. One went for the kill strike, biting hard on my neck and breaking my-_

December 20th, 2004

My neck was burning when I woke up this morning. I felt like I had a fight with a gorilla and lost. These dreams were getting ridiculous! Why was I trying to save my enemy like this?? And all of the blood, everywhere, when I thought of it it made me even sicker. I puked even more. I didn't eat that day either.

The day was very boring besides that, nobody to contend with, no school, no work, nothing. I went out on a small date with Misa again, to the water park. I didn't have much fun because of how droll it was. I missed having an adversary, someone to constantly contend with, always able to pester and mess with, but I had none no more. But did I have feelings for Ryuzaki? Was I in love with my enemy? No.

December 21st, 2004

No dreams tonight. I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to, I was too afraid of seeing him die or feeling myself die again in such a gruesome way again. It was sickening to see or feel such tragedies, so I decided it would be better not to even experience them. I didn't need Ryuku's help last night to stay up, but it was helpful. I stayed up on a chatroom as an anonymous character with other anonymous people, talking to them about my dreams. None of them were psychologists, and none of them could help me, but to get my thoughts about all of this nonsense out like that was good. I didn't tell them about my previous dreams though, just the ones where I died or where he died.

December 22nd, 2004

It was close to Christmas, yet I was hardly excited. These dreams would make every day of my life miserable, so why even look forward to the next day? I would just stay up all night, every night, and eat extra food. I would go out with Misa to heighten my self-esteem every once in a while. It would be easy, these dreams will soon go away.

December 23rd, 2004

No sleep again, and I wasn't planning on it either. These dreams about Ryuzaki were making me very sick. Seeing him die like that wasn't what I wanted to see at all, so I just wouldn't see it. Though, I started hallucinating again, I saw him once more when I turned to go into the bathroom. As soon as I saw him, I almost fainted and ended up vomiting all over the sink. I cleaned it, then rinsed my mouth out with some water. I got some food today, had a little bit of broth go down without coming back up, so I'm doing kind of better.

December 24th, 2004

No sleep last night either, I couldn't handle it. Tonight, as a present to myself, I was going to risk sleeping again. I needed the rest, I just didn't want to deal with seeing him die again. I couldn't handle it, I just couldn't. But did I have feelings for Ryuzaki?

_Apparently I had a bad day that day, so I came into my house and went to my room, just laid down on my bed. I let out a heavy sigh and looked to my left at my computer desk. There he was, staring at me._

_ "You still don't get it, do you? Even I figured this out, and you haven't?" His voice was so clear to me._

_ "What do you mean? Figure what out? Just go die again and leave my dreams alone." I was very angry with him._

_ "I'm you're enemy and yet you can't stand to see me die. Why is that, hmm?" He tilted his head to the side after saying that, almost as if I was supposed to know the answer._

_ But I didn't. "Why would I have an answer for such a stupid question?" I rolled over, looking away from him. I did have the answer, I knew it deep down, but I didn't want to admit it to him._

_ "You can't hide forever, you know. You know what it is, so just come out with it and I won't haunt your dreams anymore. Your dreams will be free to you with whatever you want in them." He had his normal, hallow voice._

_ "I won't say it." I couldn't say it, I would never say it to him._

_ "Say it or I will kill myself here in one of the most horrible ways you can think of." I could think of some horrible deaths, and I didn't want to see him die in any of those ways. I sighed before turning back to him._

_ "I can't stand the sight of you dying because... Because..." I couldn't get the last words out._

_ "You can't stand the sight of me dying because... why?" He was sitting with his knees up against his chest, biting on his thumb._

_ "Because I love you, and I always will. I can't stand not being with you, and it was a terrible thing to have killed you like I did."_

_ "You didn't kill me, Kira did. You can't be Kira, because Kira would never kill someone he loved."_

_ "You would think that, but-" My words were interrupted with lips against mine. They were sweet and soft. I closed my eyes and held him tightly._

_ Soon after, he let the kiss go, and got up. "Now, I will only visit your dreams when you want me to. But, this dream is now over. Merry Christmas, Light Yagami."_

December 25th, Christmas of 2004.

I woke up, saying "Merry Christmas, Ryuzaki." I can't stand the thought of him, but I guess it's true. I do love him, even if he's dead. I will always love him, and I can't being without him. That's all I was trying to tell myself, is that I loved him. He wasn't my enemy the entire time, I was my enemy.

Ryuzaki, I am very sorry for what I have done. Do I have true feelings for you? Yes, I have so much love for you that I killed you. Not because you were going to ruin everything that I had, because I didn't need to kill you for that. No, because I didn't want anyone else to have you.

That's why I killed you.

~Light Yagami


End file.
